There
by Antonia-x
Summary: Set during Man With No Name; S12E45. Just a short, if not slightly odd, insight into the mind of Frieda Petrenko. Very subtle hints towards dark themes.


**Watching Holby City when you can't sleep is fun; until you end up having to write this down. **

**Anyhow just a short one. That I do hope makes sense. I'm not entirely sure about it, but I've decided just to run with it. **

**The italics refer to S12E45 "Man With No Name."**

**Holby City hospital and it's staff, do not belong to me; they belong to the BBC and it's other relevant owners.**

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There.

It was your fault because you slipped up earlier; but she remembered.

"_Earlier you said you knew about rapists and stuff…?" _

A fragmented memory of a tortured soul. That is what she wanted you to remember when she asked. She asked you to remember what There was like; but truthfully you'd already been thinking about There.

There is a dark place. It hides you from the light, from the joy, from the normality, from where you know you really should be. There is a place you like; only once you are there.

When you are on the road to There, you do try to claw your way back up that road. But most people fail, the first time, because they've yet to encounter There and until you have you do not understand There. You do not understand the negative energy; an energy that you should know is wrong, but you don't. You don't, because There makes it so appealing. Sometimes There wins; sometimes you can escape There.

Just remember you have escaped There once; you somehow managed the return ticket and you don't need the one-way trip back.

You are afraid of There because of things you have never told anyone. There took people away; when you were there people you needed left, when you were there you were hurt over and over, time and time again. Sometimes it hurt more than others; sometimes you barely even flinched.

Fear of There is because of the journey you must take to get to There, because it is long and horrific, in ways others can only imagine; a pain others can only imagine. You? You've still the scars; the physical ones, the ones buried deep and the ones which you see every time you close your eyes. You can't go back to There because you can't face the journey; forced or voluntary - you've done both.

Look just above your left elbow, go on, I dare you. Do you see what There done? The criss-cross of red and white lines; that is what There done. That is the entry fee. That is what it takes to get to There.

You might put on a mask; one paler than your olive skin. Do you think that makes you look frightening? Do you think it makes people wary? Do you think that stops them from wanting to be let in? Do you think it protects you from There? You know you can answer that one; and you know it doesn't because you first started wearing the mask when you were already there.

Why did you go There; can you remember? Or have you managed to bury it? Or had you until you mentioned it to someone who will never understand?

Now which; why did you go to There?

You remember. You remember because it is the one scar you can't shake. It's the one that keeps you up at night. It's the one that makes you afraid of the dark - not that you'd ever tell anyone that. It's the one that makes you wear the mask. It's the one that makes you hide behind the dark clothes. It's the one that refuses to let anyone touch you.

Is it the memory of your long, dark hair being pulled? Is it the memory of the tears that fell? The memory of the blows your body took? Is it the memory of what he done?

You went to There because what someone else done. It was the feeling of someone else near you. It was the feeling of someone else on you; not just physically, but their eyes - eyes you will never forget. Sometimes you can still feel those eyes on you.

Why are you thinking of There; is it because Penny Valentine asked?

Is it because Oliver Valentine spoke the words that took you to the beginning of your journey to There: _"I love you." _

You believed then; like you'd like to believe now. Because now you know that he is kind and gentle and that, that wouldn't be a lie. However not seriously it was meant to be taken. At least it wasn't a lie. Again.

Suddenly you know; the book. The book that you read in hope that you will be able to spot the signs next time; to stop the journey to There before it has begun.

"_Yes, I know, I read about these things…". With a flash of a book it would all be forgotten; to at least one person there. The other would see it as she tried to sleep tonight. _


End file.
